Why I am grateful for the man that SA me & how I healed

I never thought those words would leave my lips, but here I am. And not only that, but I genuinely mean them and feel that in my body. But how? In order to get to that point in the story, we will have to start further back and discuss the energetics behind it.

Let's start with the laws on the universe and how energy works. Nothing can happen to us that we are not an energetic match for. I understood this concept in my 20's, but I could never grasp it as truth in my body.

Because what do you mean I was an energetic match for a father that likes little girls?? What do you mean I was an energetic match for physical abuse?? What on earth did 5 year old Priscilla do in order to become an "energetic match" for such horrors?

When we are born, our energy doesn't start off as a clean slate. Nematode studies show epigenetic changes that go back as far as 14 generations. We also have past life energy that we carry, and we will find repeating themes and patterns when we start digging into them.

So I just want to take a moment to speak to your inner child and let you know, it didn't start with you. What happened to you isn't your fault, however, you are not powerless and can do the work to make sure you are never an energetic match for that again.

Repeating our childhood trauma, or a phenomenon called repetition compulsion, goes over how we unconsciously seek out similar experiences. But if we include the energetic component of having to be an energetic match for our experiences, we can easily see how suppressed sexual trauma, whether our own, generationally or from past lives, is an energetic match for more sexual trauma.

Please do not let this scare you, because by the time I am done I will show you that this awareness is how you take your power back and god given right to find safety in your body.

Want to know a little secret? I wasn't even aware of how many times I had been sexually assaulted until I began this work with women and hearing their stories. It was easy for me to count the two times I was rufied as clear assault. But the other times? Not so much.

If we don't admit it to ourselves, we can pretend that it didn't happen. We can ignore the shame that accompanies sexual trauma and we avoid having to feel like a powerless, helpless victim.

Why would a victim feel shame for being sexually assaulted? When we remove our emotions and critically think about it, that makes no sense. Why would you feel shame for someone assaulting you? Again, we must look at the energetics.

When we feel an emotion a physical frequency is created in your energetic field. However, that doesn't mean that we consciously feel it or even realize that is happening. 100% of the time an abuser will be creating the frequency of shame when committing an assault, they just typically aren't consciously feeling it.

There is a strong energetic exchange during intimate relations, even if it's not consensual. And victims will take on the shame of their abuser during this exchange. This shame gets triggered whenever we think about the assault that took place and is a huge reason why victims don't come forward or blame themselves.

When that shame gets triggered, we don't conciously realize that that's not our shame and feel it as our own. It's why we make excuses for what happened. Why we will convince ourselves that "it's our fault". We still live in a society where they ask what the woman was wearing, all rooted in the victim taking responsibility for their attackers shame as their own.

Things I have heard women not consider rape/think it doesn't count as assault:

• Their body responded to it and they experienced feelings of pleasure, even though it was taken by force/without consent

• They went through the backdoor without permission and they didn't ask them to stop (freeze response)

• It was their fault for leading them on

• It can't be rape if it's your husband/partner

• They did nothing to fight back (again, freeze response)

• They didn't "try hard enough to say no"

I could go on and on with that list. These excuses keep our mind safe. They help us avoid feelings of shame, powerlessness, fear, helplessness and more.

Now why on earth would I feel grateful to the last man that assaulted me? I woke up to my current boyfriend at the time, who was blacked out on alcohol at the time, having sex with me. In my struggle to get him off of me, two of my ribs were pushed out and caused excruciating pain so I just stopped and waited for it to be over. When he was done, the man literally rolled over and started snoring and had no recollection of what happened the next day.

That moment where I stopped struggling, I fully left my body and went into a state of shock. When I finally came back, all I could feel was deep shame. I made excuses for him. He was drunk he didn't know what he was doing.. He would never intentionally hurt me.. He was my boyfriend so did he really need consent? I went through mental gymnastics to keep myself from facing what happened.

This was different than when I got rufied. I was able to excuse the fact that I was drugged for why I didn't fight back. But this situation, I didn't have that excuse. I stopped fighting and left my body so hard that I stared at my ceiling for two days. I felt that mans shame as my own and blamed myself for what happened. I felt pathetic and weak for not fighting harder.

Thanks to a phenomenal therapist, he helped me see what really happened. And that was the moment where the laws of the universe clicked in my body and I saw how clearly I was repeating my childhood trauma over and over. A trauma that I had kept buried as a secret, refusing to admit even to myself. The energetic match of sexual trauma being a beacon for abusers, and I could feel that fear in my body making me feel like prey.

My dad molested me as a child. I had always remembered, but I didn't let myself believe it was true. I gaslit myself into thinking it was a nightmare that I had as a child, but all the signs of what I went through were there. Because any time I even slightly went there in my head, I was overpowered by the suppressed fear and shame, shame that didn't even belong to me.

When I would try to think about it, it felt like my brain would short circuit and I couldn't get the words out. It made me feel so helpless and stupid. So back into my suppressed little box it would go.

When I was reading The Body Keeps The Score, I learned that the Boca Region of the brain shows a decrease of activity when revisiting trauma. The Boca Region is responsible for speech, and revisiting trauma can have the same effects on speech as a stroke. Meaning when we relive trauma, it can shut down our speech center.

It's not as simple as speaking up and talking about it. Sometimes your brain is actually shutting down to protect you and help you feel safer. You are triggering not only your trapped emotions, but emotions you took on from the person that hurt you. That's a lot going on!

So why am I grateful for what that deeply broken man did to me? Because that was the moment where I decided I had enough. That I finally connected to the truth of this was happening to me because I was an energetic match for it and I was going to do something about it. I was going to be brave and take my fucking power back.

Please do not let this scare you, let this empower you. You have so much more control than you think, and you will never get your power and safety back by avoiding the trauma stored in your body. I am a huge supporter of talk therapy and conscious awareness is such an important piece of the puzzle, but you can't ignore the energetic field.

For me personally, I didn't do well with releasing emotions in therapy and that's where somatic healing comes in. During energy healing sessions we can release these trapped emotions in your body. You can also do this work on your own by sitting with your emotions and moving them out of your body.

Sexual trauma lives in the Sacral Chakra, so when working on sexual trauma that is where you will want to focus.

We have the power to shift what we are an energetic match for by becoming aware of what we are storing in our body and facing it head on. When you release all the sexual trauma in your body, you no longer become an energetic match for it. That is how you find your safety.

I will never forget the moment where I realized I finally felt safe in my body. I didn't realize how much fear I had been holding on to my entire life until it was gone. I sobbed for hours when I finally felt connected to my sacred feminine energy, it felt like coming home. So keep going my love, you are worth fighting for. Take your power back.

Once the trauma was released from my body, I could feel it so deeply that it was gone and a deep knowing that I will never be an energetic match for sexual trauma ever again. When we have sexual trauma stored in our body, it's like an app running in the background, even if you aren't consciously looking at it, it's still draining your energy.

Carrying the shame of our abusers will always make us feel like they still have power over us on a subconscious level in our body. You defeat them by healing.

Be patient with yourself during the healing journey. But keep going, because it does get better. Finding safety in your body is worth fighting for. The path can seem long and daunting at times, but you will get there eventually.

I can now say I am truly grateful for my sexual trauma. Every time I help a woman feel seen, understood and heal from sexual trauma another piece of me heals. My soul chose this path for a reason, and I wouldn't change a thing.

But it took releasing all of that trauma to get there. I was forged in fire, and I wouldn't have it any other way. My trauma isn't a weakness, it a testament of my strength.

If you have any questions, please drop a comment below! If you are interested in working with me, I offer 50% off first time client specials!

Sending you so much love,

Priscilla Amie